Eating me inside

Have you ever done something that it goes completelly against what you believe?
something you have proposed yourself never ever to get yourself involved with?

I am about to do so.
I am about to take a train to Mill Hill Broadway Station for a fotoshoot of a bunch of escort models for a website (www.oursecretdate.co.uk).

I used to think that there was nothing wrong with it...
But now... well... now I am quite sure that's one of the things that is eating me inside.

Money and sex-related-issues were always my downfall... and I swear I've been trying to be good with it. It's been a long long journey. And Here I am... On my way to take a bunch of naked pictures of a bunch of escort girls for money...

and Even tho I have tried to tell myself that it's ok... No sin on it...
It some how feels so wrong...

Needs...

I did something I promissed myself I wouldn't do...
But in a moment of need I just sucumbed to it...

And what is worse... I believe it was one of the best websites I've ever done since I am back to the UK...

Really... I don;t want to have anything to do with any website like that again...

I know it was provision and well... the service came with the right amount at the right time... God provides... And if it had to be done then Thanks God...

But really... It makes me feel bad...

Anyways...

Zya!

Walk In...

I gotta tell u something...

It is not nice to have your son walking in the bedroom in the middle of the night whil u are at it...

Specially when you haven't had a shag in quite a while!!!

The joys of parenthood... (did you notice the sarcasm... lol)

Zya!

Tell Me about weird dreams...

and I've been having loads of them latelly... weird and confusing...
I think it has a lot to do with my state of mind latelly...

I need some vacations some time to relax, really relax, and forget about everything...
It's been about 3 years since I had one of those...

I think I am about to snap...
I feel like running on empty again...

God... I think I need some help here... LOADS of it!

Damn it is hard to be me! lol

Zya!

momment's wish...

If anyone asks me what I want right at this momment I will have to answer with all conviction: A Job, a normal job where I can get out in the morning, get to the office, tho my stuff then turn off and get back home to rest, or whatever...

I am getting terribly tired of taking life the way I am at the moment...

If I could afforf to have Tommy on a full time nursery so I could actually dedicate daytime to work properlly it would be great and I probably wouldn't be complaining at all...

Problem is that at the moment that is not possible, and by the time he goes for his nap in the afternoon... the time that I have to finally get to work a bit... I am so tired that I can barrelly concentrate on what I am doing... So I end up having to work at night.... Don;t get me wrong... I get the work done on deadlines etc... But it would be good to rest a bit... and on the weekends, when I think I'm gonna rest... I end up remembering tht I have a life and still have things I need to do...

That's what's killing me... I think I am a bit to old for that... lol... I remember the days where I would not need to sleep for a whole week and still be ready for a fight on friday night...

I need to end my Freelancer life... but I can't untill I get something... which looks a bit impossible because I am working at all moments (either on contracts or on taking care of Tommy)...

I need a break!!!!
I need some change to happen...
I need some change to happen for good... not bad!!! lol

I want a normal joooooooooooooooooob!!! lol
Either that or a contract that will pay me enough to get tommy full time in a nursery so I can get it done...

Come on Wendel, get back from Brazil so I gen get an answer!!! lol...

zya!

that's kind of how I feel...

Artist: Delirious
Album: King Of Fools
Title: Deeper

I want to go deeper
but I don't know how to swim
I want to be meeker
but have you seen this old earth
I want to fly higher
but these arms won't take me there
I want to be, I want to be

maybe I could run
maybe I could fly, to you
do you feel the same
when all you see is
blame in me?

and the wonder of it all
is that I'm living just to fall
more in love with you
and the wonder of it all
is that I'm living just to fall
more in love with you

I want to go deeper
but is it just a stupid whim?
I want to be weaker
be a help to the strong
I want to run faster
but this old leg won't carry me
I want to be, I want to be

maybe I could run
maybe I could fly, to you
do you feel the same
when all you see is
blame in me?

and the wonder of it all
is that I'm living just to fall
more in love with you
and the wonder of it all
is that I'm living just to fall
more in love with you

maybe I could run
maybe I could follow
it's time to walk the path
where many seem to fall
hold me in your arms
just like any father would
how long do we have to wait?
how long, we're going all way

and the wonder of it all
is that I'm living just to fall
more in love with you


http://songbook.manueladam.com

Shadows...

I've beem feeling like a shadow of what I used to be.
where is that guy with all that potential and great prospects in life...
The one that was "trained" to be a great leader and that one that had a successfull career in front of him...

I feel so frustrated to now having to limit myself on what I can do... on not having the sky as a limit anymore...

What the hell happened to me??????

Billionaires for Bush

Take a look at this video... lol...





It makes you wonder..

Zya!

I'm Back!!!!

heya!!!
After a shortwhile where my blog simply disapeared I am Back!!!
yayyyyyyyyy!!! :)

lol...

At the momment I only have one thing to say...

GOD IS AWESOME!!!! :)

TTFN